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I received a rather scathing email recently. My decisions on some things had clearly perplexed the beliefs of someone else. One line in that email disturbed me more than every other word listed. That line reported that my problem is I don't love myself. Wow! What a hard thing to say to someone! What an untrue statement about me. Five years ago, ten years ago - in high school - that statement would have been a glaring and blinding reality. I probably wore it like a theatre marquee over my head, DOES NOT LOVE HERSELF. I learned to love me by learning to experience my experiences and pull what could make me better, wiser, stronger and more enlightened from each of them.
So why did the statement in the email bother me? Because it reminded me that I have not totally moved into loving me completely. I still occasionally take a step back when my life and my decisions offend those close to me. I still occasionally feel guilty about doing little things or great things for myself because of the criticism of others. I still occasionally allow the glares, comments and opinions about the extra pounds and what I do with them, to make me feel like the little fat girl in Ms. Liotti's class. I still occasionally, though I consciously fight this now, sometimes put on boxing gloves and pound myself about things that I really have no control over and are not mine to fix or ponder. I do love me. I love my crazy long toenails, my fat fingers that look like stubs when my nails are short. I love my big ears. I love the gift of writing that graces my life. I love this tapping into my inner self and releasing it.
I do love me and today I say to me it is really okay to consciously love me totally and unconditionally first. That kind of self love will certainly teach me to love my son on a deeper level and my God as well. The really great thing is when I learned to love me - I also learned how to get unloving relationships or relationships where love was secondary out of my life. You know what I think? I think aside from parents and children, no other human vessel should pull more love from you than the love you have for yourself. God gives you the ability and the reasons to love you and anything and anyone that discounts that - should be approached with caution.
I do love me - the me that I am today and all of the variations of me I have been over the years. The fat girl in elementary school that the kids picked on. The smart fat girl in high school who the guys respected but would not date. The young woman who purposely dated married men because I didn't think I could do any better. The professional woman that walked away from a job when I was told to choose between that position and being a new mom. The professional woman that went back to that job until it was clear there was nothing that I could contribute because it was time for me to move into what I had been praying for. The Christian woman who has realized that God is a hard man to love, but the ultimate right one to love. The patient woman facing hard medical conditions and believing none of it is unto death and I will be healed. The maternal woman who has learned how a hug from a little body, my Lord, can make up for all the hell that comes against you. I do love me.
The truth of the matter is, I haven't written a love letter to myself in quite some time. You have to write letters of love and adoration to yourself every now and then. On the surface, to remind you just how fabulous you are; but more importantly, to continue to evolve into a loving, loveable and in love with self kind of person. No one can love someone who has no love for himself. For loving self creates respect, esteem, vision, power and purpose. Will you do something for me? Write the most intimate, moving words of love to yourself - today. Let your words love on you, love you through the hard moments, love you until you cry out in the sheer joy of who you are. Look up. What does the marquee over your head flash? I am thrilled to say my marquee now reads LOVING ME NOW AND LOVING ME BETTER.
E. Claudette Freeman
Arise, Write, Release
So why did the statement in the email bother me? Because it reminded me that I have not totally moved into loving me completely. I still occasionally take a step back when my life and my decisions offend those close to me. I still occasionally feel guilty about doing little things or great things for myself because of the criticism of others. I still occasionally allow the glares, comments and opinions about the extra pounds and what I do with them, to make me feel like the little fat girl in Ms. Liotti's class. I still occasionally, though I consciously fight this now, sometimes put on boxing gloves and pound myself about things that I really have no control over and are not mine to fix or ponder. I do love me. I love my crazy long toenails, my fat fingers that look like stubs when my nails are short. I love my big ears. I love the gift of writing that graces my life. I love this tapping into my inner self and releasing it.
I do love me and today I say to me it is really okay to consciously love me totally and unconditionally first. That kind of self love will certainly teach me to love my son on a deeper level and my God as well. The really great thing is when I learned to love me - I also learned how to get unloving relationships or relationships where love was secondary out of my life. You know what I think? I think aside from parents and children, no other human vessel should pull more love from you than the love you have for yourself. God gives you the ability and the reasons to love you and anything and anyone that discounts that - should be approached with caution.
I do love me - the me that I am today and all of the variations of me I have been over the years. The fat girl in elementary school that the kids picked on. The smart fat girl in high school who the guys respected but would not date. The young woman who purposely dated married men because I didn't think I could do any better. The professional woman that walked away from a job when I was told to choose between that position and being a new mom. The professional woman that went back to that job until it was clear there was nothing that I could contribute because it was time for me to move into what I had been praying for. The Christian woman who has realized that God is a hard man to love, but the ultimate right one to love. The patient woman facing hard medical conditions and believing none of it is unto death and I will be healed. The maternal woman who has learned how a hug from a little body, my Lord, can make up for all the hell that comes against you. I do love me.
The truth of the matter is, I haven't written a love letter to myself in quite some time. You have to write letters of love and adoration to yourself every now and then. On the surface, to remind you just how fabulous you are; but more importantly, to continue to evolve into a loving, loveable and in love with self kind of person. No one can love someone who has no love for himself. For loving self creates respect, esteem, vision, power and purpose. Will you do something for me? Write the most intimate, moving words of love to yourself - today. Let your words love on you, love you through the hard moments, love you until you cry out in the sheer joy of who you are. Look up. What does the marquee over your head flash? I am thrilled to say my marquee now reads LOVING ME NOW AND LOVING ME BETTER.
E. Claudette Freeman
Arise, Write, Release
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2 comments:
Claudette...... awesome post. What an eloquent read. You are so right. It's ok to love youself well. I'm so glad you've embraced that!!Dream big & trust God has your back. You go girl, I see that marquee flashing from my house!!!!
WOW Ms. Claudette, I felt your heart reading this. I am right there with you. So many familiar feelings came up for me. i have had to learn to love myself for who I am in Christ! Thank you for sharing your heart. God bless you.....
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